Music

STEP 1
Open the Activity Book.

STEP 2
Do a Connect-the-Dots (from 1 to 32).

STEP 3
Q: What is the picture you made?
A: It’s a small dog in a carry-on luggage bag!

Don’t worry, luggage dog
You’re gonna be fine
In a minute, luggage dog
You’re gonna be flyin’

You made everyone's day
at the TSA when they put you through the X-ray
(that gave you super powers, probably!)

Now it’s wheels up and your tail wags
‘cause you didn’t get stowed with the overhead bags
You’re beneath a seat like a hairy little stowaway

Luggage Dog! (in your puppy pouch)
Luggage Dog! (in your terrier carrier)
Luggage Dog! (in your “arf bag”)
Luggage Dog!

Keep Calm and... Be... Carry On!

STEP 1
Open the Activity Book.

STEP 2
Do a Color by Number.

But what color should go with what number? What about…

Two is blue because they’ve both got “oo”
Three is green because they’ve both got “ē”
Four is orange because they’ve bot got “or”
Five is violet because they’ve both got “v”
Six is pink because they’ve both got “i” (short i)
Seven is yellow because they’ve both got “e - (mumbled)”
(they both have a short e and something else)
Let’s make Eight go gray because they’ve both got “ā”
Nine is lime because they’ve both got “ī”
Ten is red because they’ve both got “eh” (short e)

“What about one?”

Right! One is brown because they’ve both got “wn”
(the end of brown sounds like “one”)

STEP 3
Q: What did you color?
A: It’s a boxing ring with a boxer boxing another boxer!

Boxing trainer: “Alright champ, this is it! Now I want you to go out there and give ‘em a good,
fair fight. Remember your training: you’re throwing jabs, uppercuts, hooks, and save that
haymaker for the knockout. The rest of the time, you’re bobbing and weaving. Alright? Go get
‘em!”

Bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a jab and a jab
and a hook and a jab
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and an uppercut jab
and a hook and a jab and an uppercut
jab uppercut uppercut
jab hook uppercut
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a hook and an uppercut
bobbin’ and a-weavin’

jab jab

uppercut uppercut
bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’ and ajab jab
uppercut uppercut
bobbin’ and a-weavin’
and a-bobbin’ and a-weavin’ and abody blow

body blow jab
bobbin’ and a-weavin’ and ahere comes the Haymaker!

Referee counting (in colors): “Brown… Blue… Green… Orange… Violet… Pink… Yellow…

Grey… Lime… Red… IT’S OVER!”

STEP 1
Open the Activity Book.

STEP 2
Find the words hidden inside all the letter sounds.
1. Crumbs
2. Glitter
3. Fingernails
4. Shavings
5. Hair
6. Lint
7. Sawdust
8. Dirt
9. Rice
10. Debris

STEP 3
Q: What do all those words have in common?
A: They’re all things that get sucked up by a vacuum!

Once there was a nice, clean floor named Nice, Clean Floor that was very happy being a nice,
clean floor. But after a while, things started showing up on it until it became very messy. The
mess of things on Nice, Clean Floor got so out of hand, that Nice, Clean Floor’s friend,
Vacuum, had to come out and suck up all the messy things into its bag. Soon, they were all
gone and Nice, Clean Floor could once again enjoy being nice and clean. That is until
someone spilled a big cup of lemonade on it. Sadly, Vacuum was not the kind of vacuum that
can clean up liquids like lemonade. Luckily, however, another of Nice, Clean Floor’s friends,
Mop, heard the splash and came to the rescue. Mop mopped and mopped. Soon, Nice,
Clean Floor was again nice and clean. The only thing left to do was for someone to empty the
vacuum bag into the trash, being careful not to get vacuum bag dust inside their nose.

STEP 1
Open the Activity Book

STEP 2
Do a What’s Wrong with this Picture?

In the Kitchen…
Something’s wrong this morning. I don’t know what.
I just... I got this feeling in my gut.
I look around my kitchen, I’m making breakfast, normal day
Coffee’s black, the milk is white, the sink and cupboard seem OK
Then I hear a sound behind me so I
Turn around to find the frying pan saying, “hiss” and I’m like, “That’s weird. What the heck is this?”

Huh. There’s a snake in the bacon I'm makin’.
Wait, there’s a snake in the bacon I'm makin’?!
There’s a snake in the bacon I’m makin’!!
I just... I don’t understand!
How did you get inside
And slide beside the side of bacon I’m makin’?
(You think I’m fakin’? You’re mistaken!)
There’s a snake in the bacon I’m makin’!
How’d you get in my pan, man?!

At the Farmer’s Market…
I’m holding up two cantaloupes in my hand
"Melons! Get your fresh melons,” I shout from behind my fruit stand
I sell melons here of every type
I can show you how to tell which ones are ripe
You just knock a few times on the side here with your fist like this…
A customer waves her hand and goes,
“How come this one don’t sound like those?
When I knock on this one here, it just goes KLUNK.”
I say, “Hand it here if you don’t mind,”
And give it a little rap on the rind
It sounds so wrong I cut it open and inside I find…

There's a bell in the melon I'm sellin’ (There’s a WHAT?!)
There’s a bell in the melon I’m sellin’ (There’s a WHAT?!)
There’s a bell in the melon I’m sellin’
That metal in the middle there don’t belong
I never heard an orange peal
Nor an onion ring
Even a BELL pepper’s not supposed to *ding*
Yet here’s a bell in the melon I’m sellin’
You want to know what's wrong with this picture?
I got a gourd going ding-dong!

[CANTALOUPE SOLO!]

Well thank goodness THAT kinda thing never happens a third time.

At the Park…
Off to the park for a little outside fun
“Can you pull us in the wagon?” ask my daughter and my three year old son
I drag them all around the place, they giggle and they sing
I drag them to the sandbox, and I drag them to the swing
But as we’re heading out, I see folks looking at us weird
I turn around to see what’s up and see my kids have disappeared and now…

There’s a stag in the wagon I’m draggin' (There’s a WHAT?!”)
There’s a stag in the wagon I’m draggin’ (a WHAT?!”)
It’s a male deer —the ones with antlers. They’re called stags,
and now there’s one in my wagon, ok?!

It just makes no sense! My kids were just here
I look away for a SECOND and now they’re a deer?!
How’s there a stag in the wagon I’m draggin’?
What is up with this day?!

It’s just everywhere now!
I don’t know what it is, but it’s getting worse
I mean… not so bad that we need a FOURTH verse, but…
Now everywhere I look, something don’t belong
So now everywhere I go, I’m singing this little song
It goes like this:

Stop! (Stop!)
That’s not a lollipop. (It’s a hub cap!)

Stop! (Stop!)
That’s not a couch. (It’s bread!)

Stop! (Stop!)
That’s not a coffee shop. (It’s a coal mine!)

Stop! (Stop!)
That’s not a OUCH! (It’s a needle and thread!)

Stop! (Stop!)
That’s not a door knob. (It’s a mushroom!)

Stop! (Stop!)
That’s not a mop. (It’s Pom Pom!)

Stop! (Stop!)
That’s not a corn cob. (It’s a caterpillar!)
Stop! (Stop!)

That’s not a stop sign. Wait, yes it is!
Stop!

STEP 1
Open the Activity Book.

STEP 2
Do a Maze. See if you can help the car find its way through the winding roads to get to its
destination. Maybe this GPS can help with some directions, too.

Where are we going?
I’ll tell you where we’re going but not until we get there
I’ll tell you where we’re going
it isn’t very far
I’ll tell you where we’re going but not until we get there
I’ll tell you once the place we’re going is the place we are

[Uncle James whistlin’]

I’ll tell you where we’re going but not until we get there
I’ll tell you where we’re going
as soon as we’ve arrived
I’ll tell you where we’re going but not until we get there
I’ll tell you where we’re going
just as soon as where we’re driving’s where we drived
(“Shouldn’t it be drove?” Yeah, it should be drove.)

STEP 3
Q: Where are we?
A: It’s a petting zoo in a bounce house!

What is it? (It’s a petting zoo)
And where is it? (In a bounce house)
And what is it? (It’s a petting zoo!)
And tell me where it is! (In a bounce house!)
Has it got sheep? Yes.
Has it got a goat? Yes.
Has it got a donkey? Yes.
Has it got a llama? Yes.
Has it got a goose? Yes.
Does it have rinocerontes? Sí.
Does it have a duck? Yes.
Does it have a pony? Yes
Has it got a pig? Yes.
Has it got a rabbit? Yes.
Has it got a kangaroo? Well… NO.

Because you can’t have a kangaroo in a bounce house
you can’t have a kangaroo in a bounce house
you can’t have a kangaroo in a bounce house
because it’ll jump too high
Then you won’t have a kangaroo in the bounce house
you won’t have a kangaroo in the bounce house
you won’t have a kangaroo OR a bounce house
because it’ll rip right through the roof
and fly right through the sky
and pretty soon it’s gonna hit the moon
What about a wallaby? Well…

You might have a wallaby in the bounce house
Maybe you could have a wallaby in the bounce house
I guess you could have a wallaby in the bounce house
If its a little guy

But you can’t have a kangaroo in a bounce house
You can’t have a kangaroo in a bounce house
You can’t have a kangaroo in a bounce house
because it’ll jump too high
it’ll jump, it’ll jump too high
too high!

YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES
by Mike Phirman

You've got what it takes to be a kid
You're real small and you like to jump
You've got what it takes to be a kid
No one understands what you're saying
And you get out of bed at least a million times a night
You've got what it takes!

You've got what it takes to be a kid
You're super light and you barely eat
You've got what it takes to be a kid
You like to climb up a slide and stand in a seat
And you can wear a bright red pair of overalls anywhere
You've got what it takes!

You've got what it takes to be a kid
You've got bangs and you like to trace
You've got what it takes to be a kid
Total strangers want to squeeze your face
And when your teeth fall out no one says "yecch"
Everybody says "Yeah!"

You've got what it takes to be a kid
You've got what it takes to be a kid
You've got what it takes to be a kid
You've got what it takes to be a kid
(You've got what it takes!)

I-C-A-N-T-S-P-E-L-L
by Mike Phirman

I is for the eggs you eat
C is for the kangaroo with bouncy feet
A is for the otter in the sea
N is for the bird up in the tree
T is for the house made of sticks
S is for my favorite number, which is five
P is for tomato
E is also for tomato
L... why not! It's for tomato
And one more L for "That's the end"
What does that spell?
I don't know!

CHICKEN MONKEY DUCK
by Mike Phirman

Monkey chicken chicken,
Monkey Chicken, duck duck,
Chicken monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey,
chicken chicken monkey duck.
Monkey duck,
Chicken duck,
Monkey monkey duck duck,
Chicken Monkey, chicken chicken monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken monkey duck,
Chicken Monkey, duck duck,
Chicken chicken monkey,
Chicken monkey,
Chicken duck.
Chicken duck duck,
Chicken monkey monkey duck,
“Chicken Monkey Duck?”
Chicken duck.
Monkey duck duck:
Chicken chicken, monkey,
Chicken, monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey.
Chicken chicken monkey?
Chicken, monkey monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken, monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”
Chicken chicken, duck.
Chicken Monkey, monkey,
Chicken Monkey—chicken duck.

Duck, Chicken Monkey,
Chicken chicken monkey, chicken.
Duck duck,
Chicken chicken, duck.
Chicken, monkey monkey,
Chicken!

Duck duck, Chicken Monkey,
Chicken chicken, monkey.
Chicken Chicken (monkey monkey),
Chicken monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken chicken,
Monkey monkey,
Chicken Monkey:
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck,
“Goose.”

WHAT MAKES THE BREAKFAST?
by Mike Phirman

The corn makes a flake for the breakfast
The fruit makes a shake for the breakfast
The flour and the baking soda makes a batter and the batter makes a pancake for the breakfast

(the batter makes a pancake for the breakfast)

The leaf makes a tea for the breakfast
The bean makes a coffee for the breakfast
The seed makes a bush, bush makes a berry, and the berry makes a jelly for the breakfast
"The seed makes a jelly for the breakfast?"
Well, the seed makes a bush, bush makes a berry, and the berry makes a jelly for the breakfast

(the seed makes a jelly for the breakfast)

The poppy makes a roll for the breakfast
The potter makes a bowl for the breakfast
The bakers bake a big, brown bread, take a blade and slice it up small for the breakfast

(the baker makes it small for the breakfast)

The pig makin' bacon for the breakfast
The pumpernickel make a bagel for the breakfast
The chicken makes a egg and the egg makes a chicken and the chicken makes a egg and the egg makes a chicken and the chicken make a egg and the egg make a chicken and the chicken make a egg for the breakfast... for the breakfast... for the breakfast!

Do do do do do do do do do do do
Everybody wanna know what's in the breakfast
What makes the breakfast?
Do do do do do do do do do do do
"Lunch and dinner, too?"
Eh.

The grain makes O's for the breakfast
Pit makes avocados for the breakfast
The tomatoes and the huevos and the chorizo make burritos for the breakfast

(yo make a burrito for the breakfast)

Take honey from the bees for the breakfast
Take salt from the seas for the breakfast
The farmer raise a cow and the cow make milk, and the milk make cheese for the breakfast
"The farmer makes cheese for the breakfast?"
Well, the farmer raise a cow, the cow makes milk, and the milk make cheese for the breakfast

(the farmer makes cheeeeese for the breakfast)

The O makes J for the breakfast
Dough makes a beignet for the breakfast
The mama says, "Stay," gives the food away, but the café make you pay for the breakfast

(Mama say don't you pay for breakfast)

The grease makes a donut for the breakfast
The trees make coconut for the breakfast
The gravity makes a sun and the sun makes a heat and the heat makes a cloud and the cloud makes rain and the rain makes a field and the field makes a oat and the oat makes granola for the breakfast... for the bre-
"Wait, the GRAVITY makes GRANOLA for the BREAKFAST?"

Well...
YES.

Do do do do do do do do do do do
Everybody wanna know what's in the breakfast
What makes the breakfast?
Do do do do do do do do do do do
"What's in sausage?"
Mmmm... don't ask.

But I know the oven makes heat for the breakfast
The wood makes a seat for the breakfast
The shredder shreds wheat for the breakfast
A little sugar makes it sweet for the breakfast
The cow and the pig and the goat and the goose
and the hog and the horse and the mouse and the moose
and the dog and the cat
and the bird and the bat
Everybody's gonna eat for the breakfast

"What about the ghost?"
The ghost eats nothing for the breakfast
"The ghost eats nothing for the breakfast?!"
Uh... the ghost eats toast for the breakfast
YEAH!  THE GHOST EATS TOAST FOR THE BREAKFAST!
Sure... the ghost eats toast for the breakfast!
Everybody knows that the ghost eats the toast for the breakfast!

Everybody knows that the ghost eats toast for the breakfast
(the ghost eats toast)
Everybody knows that ghosts eat toast for the breakfast
(the ghost eats toast)
Everybody knows that the ghost eats toast for the breakfast
(the ghost eats toast)
Everybody knows
Everybody knows
And everybody wants to know:
What makes the breakfast?

CAT CAT FROG FROG
by Mike Phirman

cat cat
frog frog
wild boar wild boar
lion lion
(repeat x3)

cat cat
frog frog
wild boar boar

EVERYBODY BOUNCE LIKE A

bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny
bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny
bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny
bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny
bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny
bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny
bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny
bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny BUNNY

kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten
kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten
kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten
kitten kitten kitten kitten kitten... grows up to be a

cat cat
frog frog
wild boar wild boar
lion lion

cat cat
frog frog
wild boar wild boar
got a piggy nose like a
bat bat
or a
hog hog
not a crocodile crocodile
nor an orca

bat bat
hog hog
crocodile crocodile

JUMP OUT OF THE WATER LIKE A

dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin

cat CAT!
frog FROG!
wild boar
LION!

cat cat
frog frog
wild boar
lion

cat cat
frog frog
wild boar (wild boooooar)
lion

cat cat
frog frog
wild boar
lion

CAT CAT
FROG FROG
WILD BOAR WILD BOAR
[sound of a huge, powerful lion roaring (unless that's too expensive to get in which case it'll probably just me making a little "rar" sound)]

THE DAY
by Mike Phirman

Good morning, good morning
Good morning, good morning
Good morning, good morning
and open the eyes
Good morning, good morning
get out of the bed
Good morning, good morning
go down to the kitchen for

Beans & eggs and beans & eggs
and eggs & beans and
Beans & eggs and beans & eggs
and milk & tea and
Beans & eggs and beans & eggs
and oil & butter and
Beans & eggs and beans & eggs
tomatoes & toast
and out the door to

Run & ride and run & ride
and ride and run and
Run & ride and run & ride
on heels & wheels and
Run & ride and run & ride
and eat a burrito and
Run & ride and run & ride
go back inside to

Take a nap and take a nap and take a nap
Take a nap and take a nap and *SNORE*
Take a nap and take a nap and take a nap
Take a nap and take a nap and take a nap
and waking up to

Bounce & jump and bounce & jump
and jump & bounce and
Bounce & jump and bounce & jump
and jump in a puddle and
Bounce & jump and bounce & jump
and +BOING BOING+
Bounce & jump and bounce & jump
go in and sit down for

Carrots & broccoli, carrots & broccoli
broccoli carrots and
Carrots & broccoli, carrots & broccoli
rice & fish
Carrots & broccoli, carrots & broccoli
broccoli carrots and
Carrots & broccoli, carrots & broccoli
finish it all and get
ICE CREAM!

Read a book and read a book
and soak in the bubbles
Read a book and read a book
and clean the teeth
Read a book and read a book
get under the covers and
Sing a song and sing a song
Turn out the light
Good night!

ARMPITS
by Mike Phirman

Little eyes, little nose
Little legs, little toes
Little shoulders, little elbows, just below armpits

Little ears, little hips
Little fingers, little fingertips
Little sides, little ribs, just below armpits!

[Dance it out]

Little leg, little shin
Little cheeks, little chin
Little hair, little skin, on little ARMPITS!

Little pinky, little thumb
Little back, little bum
Little calves, little tummy, just below ARMPITS!!

WAIT! Stop tickling me!
You clearly have the advantage.
But one day, I'll be big and strong, and I will-

Little ankles, little knees
Little that, little these
Little pat, little squeeze, and little...

Little head, little face
Little neck, little waist
Little hand, little other hand hanging from...

(Run for it!)

ARMPITS!!!

BANANA SAID WHOOPS
by Mike Phirman

The banana said "Whoops!" and it fell on the floor
And everybody said, "Hey, pick banana up, or
if it was on purpose let it stay lying down."
"I think banana didn't mean to fall," said a clown.
"And this is just a thing that you are guessing?" asked a crow.
"Actually, it's not—I said, 'I think,' but meant, 'I know.'
See just before banana had its slipping accident,
It said a word that let me know this wasn't what was meant.
When the thing you do's intended, 'Whoops!' ain't what you say.
You'd go, 'Oh Good!' or 'Great!' or 'Nice!' or 'Fine!' or just 'Ok!'
And so I posit to you all that we should help it stand.
We're duty bound to circle round and lend our friend a hand."
But when they turned to help their pal, they saw no sign of it.
"We spoke too long, banana's gone."
'Twas true—banana split.

IN YOUR BIZ
by Mike Phirman

Hey, you know what would be fun? Let’s go out into the neighborhood and find out what people do. It’s time to play “What’s in Your Biz!"

Hey, neighborhood scientist! What’s in YOUR biz?
"My biz?"
Yeah, like what’s going on in your world? In your business?
"Oh, well science"
There is science in your biz
There is science in your biz
There is science in your biz
There is science in your biz
There is science in your biz
There is science in your biz

Hey, gardener! What’s in YOUR biz?
(shouting) "My what?!"
Your biz!
"Bliz?"
BIZ! Can you turn that off?
(turns off music)
No, not the music! The weed whacker.
(Music on, weed whacker off)
OK! Garder, what’s in your biz?
"Weed whackin’?"
Nice!
There’s whackin' weeds in your biz
There’s whackin' weeds in your biz
There’s weed whackin' in your biz
There’s whackin' weeds in your biz
There’s whackin' weeds in your biz
There’s weed whackin' in your biz

Hey, person in a movie theater! What’s in YOUR biz?
“Shhhh!"
I'm sorry, say that again?
"SHHH."
Oh!
There's "SHHH" in your biz
There's "SHHH" in your biz
There's "SHHH" in your biz
There's "SHHH" in your biz
There's "SHHH" in your biz
There's "SHHH" in your biz

Movin' on! Hopefully to somewhere a little less cranky...

Hey, doctor performing surgery in a hospital! What’s in YOUR biz?
“Sir, you cannot be in here. You need to leave right now.”
There’s making me leave in your biz
There’s making me leave in your biz
There’s kicking me out of your biz
There’s making me leave in your biz
There’s making me leave in your biz
There’s removing me from your biz
No need to push! I’m on my way!

Hey look it’s a fire truck. I’d love to ask what’s in their biz, but they’re probably way too busy to st—
There’s fire in our biz
There’s fire in our biz
There’s fire in our biz (and rescue!)
There’s fire in our biz
There’s fire in our biz
There’s fire in our biz
And heroism...

WOW.
Well, time for one more. Hey little boy! How old are you?
"I'm four."
Four years old, you’re so big! What’s in YOUR biz?
"Playing the marimba"
You play the marimba—oh, that’s so cute. You want to play a little of it for me?
"Ok"
Yeah? OK, I’ll count you in. Ready? One, tw—
* * * marimba solo * * *
Bro! You're a LEGEND! High five! /CRACK/ OW!
"You want me to play more?"
I'd love to but the bit's over. We gotta end the song. And I think you just broke my hand.
"But what's in your biz?"
What's in MY biz? Isn't it obvious???
There’s in your biz in my biz
There’s in your biz in my biz
There’s in your biz in my biz
There’s in your biz in my biz
There’s in your biz in my biz
There's your biz in my biz
“OUR BIZ IS IN HIS BIZ”
Your biz is in my bi—
"SHHHHHH!!"

DANCE, LITTLE MEATBALL, DANCE
by Mike Phirman

You're beef, you're pork, and you're bread crumbs
You're garlic, you're salt, and you're onion
You're a little cheesy cause there is cheese in you
You're a little eggy cause there's an egg or two
I put it all in a bowl and mix you through and through and through and through

I form you in my hand
I throw you in a pan
I turn the flame up and it's time
To dance, little meatball

Dance (a)round, little meatball
Dance like you own this town, little meatball
Shake your ground round around, little meatball
Get ready, get ready, get ready, get ready, NOW!

Dance, little meatball, dance (dance, little meatball)
Dance, little meatball, dance (dance, little meatball)
Dance, little meatball, dance (dance, little meatball)
Dance, little meatball, dance!

You're hip, you're hot, and you're ready
You've reached the top of spaghetti
You smell a bit like a meaty bowl of stew
You've got a million bumps all over you
You're so much more than a greasy little sphere
You're a greasy little superstar

You are glistening
But are you listening
cause, meatball, here's the thing: It's time...
To dance, little meatball

Dance (a)round, little meatball
Come on, jump up and down, little meatball
You are a quarter pound, little meatball
Here we go now, 1... 2... 1-2-3-COME ON!

Dance, little meatball, dance (dance, little meatball)
Dance, little meatball, dance (dance, little meatball)
Dance, little meatball, dance (dance, little meatball)
Dance, little meatball, dance!

Meatballs! All over the world!
Italian!
Swedish!
German!
¡Albondigas!
Chef Boyardee!
IKEA!
What the heck! Matzah balls, get in there! Let me see you move!

FADE OUT!!

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN
by Mike Phirman

It's never never never never never gonna happen
No, no way
It's never never never never never gonna happen
No, no way
It's never never never never never gonna happen
No, no way
It's never never never never never gonna happen
No, no way

It's never (never)
It's never (never)
It's never (never)
It's never never

No.
No.
No.
No.

Never (never)
Never (never)

No. No. No. No.

Not. A. Chance.

It's never never never never never gonna happen
No, no way (no no way... NO!)
It's never never never never never gonna happen
No, no way

[are you still reading these?]

It's never never never never never gonna happen
No, no way

It's never never never never never gonna happen
Never never never never never gonna happen
It's never never never never never gonna happen

No...
No...

BABY IS GOING TO SLEEP
by Mike Phirman

Shhh...
Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep

Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep

Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby is going to sleep
Little baby's going to sleep someday

DIAPER SONG
by Mike Phirman

I look at you, you look at me
We take your diaper off so we can see
If there's anything that needs to be cleaned
And, nope, you got no poop, you got no pee

I look at you, you look at me
We take your diaper off so we can see
If there's anything that needs to be cleaned
And, nope, you got no poop... but you got some pee

I look at you, you look at me
We take your diaper off so we can see
If there's anything that needs to be cleaned
And- OOOHHH UCCCHHH

Kid...
You got the poop (you got the poop)
You got the poop (you got the poop)
You got the poop
You got the poop, you got the poop

You got the poop (you got the poop)
You got the poop (you got the poop)
You got the poop (you got the poop)
You got the poop (you got the poop)
You got the poop (you got the poop)
You got the WHAT? (you got the...)
Poop (poop)
Poop (poop)
Poop (poop)
Poop (poop)
Poooooooooooooop

SO MUCH.

Poooooooooooooooooooooooooop

USE YOUR IMAGINATION
by Mike Phirman

You can be an astronaut
You can be a big robot
You can be a cop or not
The choice is up to you

You've got a special place inside
Where nothing is too strange to hide
Rocks can talk

"They can?"

Nope! I lied!
And so can you when you choose to 'cause

You can use your imagination
Swing away cause you can't miss
You can use your imagination
To come up with cool thoughts like this:

a worm with wings

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you could look within your mind
What's the weirdest thing you'd find?
A picture of some ham that's signed,
"All the best, Some Ham"

Use it to explore the deep
Use it to name your horse Phillipe
"Ewes" is another way to say "sheep"
Now that power's in your hands (power's in your hands)

You can be a team of cars and planes
from outer space
And when there's danger
they transform into
Vegetables
(Vegetables!)
(Vegetables!)

* * *carrots and broccoli* * *

You can use your imagination
You don't need to waste a wish
You can use your imagination
To come up with cool thoughts like thish:

a bowling ball driving a dump truck

ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can soar on the wings of a flightless bird
You can snore louder than anyone has ever heard

[seismic snore]

Wake up!
Your!

I-magination
I-MA-gination
Ima-GI-nation
Imagi-NATION
I-magination
I-MA-gination
Imagi-NATION
Imagina-TION
(You can... use your... imagination)

You can use your imagination
Possibilities are possible!
You can use your imagination
To come up with cool thoughts like this:

a language that only uses the letters 'D' and 'P', and when they say, "D d d d d d pp d ddd pppp d p d p d p d ddd pppp p pppp p dd p p p p p," they're saying:

You can use your imagination
The song is done
that's all there is
But you can use your imagination
to come up with cool songs
(come up with cool songs)
come up with cool songs! like! this!

CHICKEN MONKEY DUCK
by Mike Phirman

Monkey chicken chicken,
Monkey Chicken, duck duck,
Chicken monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey,
chicken chicken monkey duck.
Monkey duck,
Chicken duck,
Monkey monkey duck duck,
Chicken Monkey, chicken chicken monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken monkey duck,
Chicken Monkey, duck duck,
Chicken chicken monkey,
Chicken monkey,
Chicken duck.
Chicken duck duck,
Chicken monkey monkey duck,
“Chicken Monkey Duck?”
Chicken duck.
Monkey duck duck:
Chicken chicken, monkey,
Chicken, monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey.
Chicken chicken monkey?
Chicken, monkey monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken, monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”
Chicken chicken, duck.
Chicken Monkey, monkey,
Chicken Monkey—chicken duck.

Duck, Chicken Monkey,
Chicken chicken monkey, chicken.
Duck duck,
Chicken chicken, duck.
Chicken, monkey monkey,
Chicken!

Duck duck, Chicken Monkey,
Chicken chicken, monkey.
Chicken Chicken (monkey monkey),
Chicken monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken chicken,
Monkey monkey,
Chicken Monkey:
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck,
“Goose.”

CLEAR THE FLOOR
by Mike Phirman

Come on
Gonna get your body rocking
Gonna make you make you move with this
Can I be honest?
I'm not too crazy about this beat right here
Do you think we could just start over?

I'm giving up on this beat
The snare comes in way too soon
And the bass ain't pumpin'
No, the bass ain't right at all
I'm giving up on this beat
It just didn't come together
No one'll be jumpin'
When they play this at the club

No, I'm just not feelin' it
I'm just not feelin' it
No I'm just not feelin' it
I'm just not feelin' it
You better turn it off or else we're gonna

Clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna clear the dance floor
Gonna clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna make people walk away

Ooo, that was a really awkward breakdown
I totally lost the beat
And I'm sure I'm not the only one
How long has this song been going on?
Three minutes? Four minutes?
(A minute and a half)
Are you kidding me?!
I'm giving up on this beat
Sounds like the drum machine is acting up
Try turning it off and turning it back on

Nope. Still sounds bad.
I'm still just not feelin' it
I'm just not feelin' it
I'm still just not feelin' it
You know it's not too late to quit

Cos if we don't we're
Gonna clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna clear the dance floor
Gonna clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna make dancers walk away

This part is WAY too slow
No one would know how to dance to it
(how would they move?)
Unless they just bob around
Bob around
DJ, let that beat go

Let it go
Let it go
No, seriously, just let it GO

Oh my God...
Any time you want to stop is just fine with me
Any time y'all want to stop is just fine with me
So many things wrong with this song
It's time to fade out
Let's do a fade out
It's time to fade out
Hurry up and fade out

Oh thank God. Oh thank God
Please don't remix this.

LOLLYTOWN
by Mike Phirman

i ride unicorns and i like candy
i go to the beach and i get sandy
there's nothing i like more than my friends

i was four before i was five
i sailed on a cloud before i was alive
my dreams are wings
and life is a slide
come slide with me
and we can be friends

we can ride bikes
and we can finger paint
and play with yarn
and cut out shapes
anything is fine
as long as it's me
me and my friends

STREET MEAT (YOU KEEP TAUNTIN' ME)
by Mike Phirman

Sitting with my doctor in midtown.
Just had a check-up, he's breaking it down:

"No more taking the train", says the doc to me.
"You've got to walk a lot more, and more importantly,
you've got to pay attention to what you eat.
Less meat or your heart is going to cease to beat.
If you see a street cart, just keep moving on,
or this time next year, you'll be dead and gone."

Great.

So I step out of the door and already it starts:
I'm getting picked on by the smells from the street carts.
"Hey, look who's trying to be healthy," they say
"Oh, don't act like you don't see me today!"
Leave me alone, Street Meat.
Man, I'm not in the mood.
Sorry, dude, but I gotta do nutritious food
"It's cool. No I get it. Hey man, it's your world.
Gotta keep on that diet like a good little GIRL!"

And as I'm walking past, I can hear you laughing.

Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Just stop tauntin' me, Street Meat
You taunt me
I try to move on, but you keep tauntin' mmmay

Oh mmmay
You keep tauntin' mmmay
On every block, much to my dismmmay
You keep tauntin' mmmay
March, April, and Mmmay
"Mother May I?" Yes, you may

There it is, I can see it—without a doubt
That's the cart everybody's been twittering about
Gotta pick up the pace
Make it a race
Me versus all the salt that wants to be in my face

"Oh! Look who it is now! Mr. Highbrow!
Mr. 'Oh Wow, my diet won't allow cow!'
Somebody get him a salad,
he has some kind of malady
maybe it could be some kind of allergy!"

Yeah, alright. You know what?
Nice gyro or gyro or however you say it
I just pray it had an owner
that remembered to spay it
What's next? Make some lures,
throw them down in the sewers,
whatever you catch, gonna throw it on skewers?
Your shawarma's bad karma,
so's your fajita,
I know PETA wouldn't approve of what you put in that pita

"Wow, well said. Point taken. Guess someone else'll eat this JAMAICAN-FRIED BACON."

Damn damn damn damn damn damn

Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Just stop tauntin' me, Street Meat
You taunt me
I try to move on, but you keep tauntin' mmmay

Oh mmmay. You keep tauntin' may.
Freddie Mac and Fanny Mmmae
Oh Hi, Louisa Alcott! Say, what's your middle name again? Oh that's right—Mmmay

I dream the same dream every night
it's a carnivorous bender
I'm eatin' everything in sight
I'm talkin' even the vendor

I start with lamb then,
some hog then,
some pieces of a dog scraped off of a fender

I wake up safe in my room, but the odor lingers
I'm chewing on something, turns out (yep!) that's my fingers

Maybe I'll just grab a fork and go surrender
Let 'em lay my salty body in a box
marked "Return to Sender"

"See you tomorrow, PRINCESS!"

ONE FOR THEM & ONE FOR ME
by Mike Phirman

I had a job working as a bank teller
Every day from nine a.m. to five
I wore a tie, a jacket, and a smile
Always last to leave and first to arrive
But the bank, it started losing of money
There was panic and whispering in the halls
Then they said that I'm to blame
For I played this little game
As I counted out my customers' withdrawals:

Let's see, that's...

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for them then another one for me

One goes out and one stays in
One's a loss and one's a win
More for them, well that just means more for me

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
A good one for them, but a better one for me

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for them and one more for old Number One, see

They fired me for that.
Well, I'll never step foot in that place again
And you can take that to the bank
Moving on!

I spent a summer working as an orderly
At a mental institution by the lake
The patients were impatient and disorderly
Their brains had taken more than they could take
I treated them with kindness and compassion
I took them out for walks among the hills
The job was going great
Til one day the nurse was late
And they asked me,
"Could you please pass out the pills?"
And I said...

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for you and, Oh, don’t mind if I do!

One for them and one for me
A red for them, a red for me
A blue for them, a blue for You Know Who

One goes out and one stays near
One for there and one for here
One for you and you, so two for me

Three for them and three for me
Four for them and four for me
Five for them and five for me
Six for them and six for me
Seven for them and seven for me
Eight for them and eight for me
Nine... nine pills... nine pills
Look at my hands... they're going crazy...

Where was I?
Seriously, I don't know where I was.
Wherever it was, I'm sure I'm not allowed back.
Moving on!

All the food in my home has been eaten
There's broken toys and diapers everywhere
The halls are full of little muddy footprints
And a full second of silence is rare
Little hands, they root through my belongings
My home is the site of a full invasion, see
The place is crawling with babies
'Cause a friend suggested, "Maybe
You could work at that adoption agency."
And it's been...

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for them that I end up liking, so I keep it

One for them and one for me
A he for them, a he for me
A she for them, another she for me

One for them, one for me
An inch for them, an inch for me
I give 2000 pounds, I keep a ton

One for them and one for me
One for them then one for me
Then two for them, 'cause remember I owe them one.

Life is all about balance, kids!
No, don't balance on that! Now put that down...

THE OLD ME
by Mike Phirman

I’m glad we’re moving on
That we’ve both gotten over it
Our break-up was pretty bad there for a while

I look back and feel stupid
It’s stupid I was mad
I’ve been so juvenile

But now that's all over
And peace has been made
There's just one little thing unsaid that needs to be... "sayed"

So... that time a guy drove by and threw a sandwich at your head—that was me
Last Thursday night when the nightclub said they lost your coat—that was me
Social Security believes that you are dead—thanks to me
When in the shower, you found that tongue instead of soap
That was me.
That was me.

I feel really good, the truth is coming out
And I’m just glad we didn’t let things go too far
I may have spent $591.18 on ruining your life,
But I can’t afford to let our friendship fall apart

Thank God that’s all over
The pain's at an end
And we can be happy as friends
I think enough time has passed
that we can look back and laugh
I know I can

The last three chapters of all your books that were all torn out—that was me
Who signed you up for the Scientology mailing list?—that was me
Somebody peed in your Britta™—and that somebody's me
Who wrote that email virus hoping it would get to you? (and I'll bet it did)
That was me.
That was me.

Then someone told you I was sorry
In a note left on your door
That, that was my roommate,
and because of that,
He’s no one's roommate anymore

I think we’ve learned a lot from this
God knows I have.
I learned how to:
Sign your name
Plug your drain
Make it rain
Plant drugs
Drug your plants
Shrink your pants
Post videos of you throwing up in your hands

And I was responsible for the events of September 11... 2008. They year somebody stuffed a banana in your grandma's tailpipe. And when I say "tailpipe," I'm really sorry

And that time you thought that there was just one more stair—that was me
And when that guy hit your new boyfriend with a bat—that was NOT me
But... he did it on my behalf for a fee
That filled in crossword—that was me

Your new car was dirty and someone wrote “Wash Me” on the hood with a key
And shot your dog... into space
And that time you got drunk at the costume party and hooked up with that Japanese dude that never called you back... Hai!
And on that online message board, who said, “You should go rent Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"?

I didn't think you'd actually DO it

That was me...
The old me.

DO JUST WHAT I SAY
by Mike Phirman

Hey everybody! Guess who's back! You know what it's time for!

Put your hands up
(come on everybody)
Put your hands up
(it's time for everyone to)
Put your hands up, up over your head
Can you do just what I say?

Now turn around
(come on everybody now)
Turn around
(it's time for everybody to)
Turn around and face the wall
Can you do just what I say?

Take your wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wallet
and throw it in the bag
Take your wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wallet
and also your wa-wa-watch and your jewelry

"Hey, everyone is doing such a great job, I don't think anyone's going to get hurt!"

Lay down on the floor
(and be real still)
Lay down on the floor
(and don't say a word!)
Lay down on the floor and close your eyes

"Oy! That means everybody! It'd be a shame if someone had to get taken out this late in the game."

Do just what I say
(for your own sake!)
Do just what I say

Now we're going to go and hide. But while we do that, I want you to stay here and count really high—all the way to 1,000! As soon as you reach 1,000, you can open your eyes and go tell your friends everything we did today! But not before you reach 1,000, right. Ready? Here we go!

G'bye everybody! See you next time!

(kids count)

SKETCHY DUDES
by Mike Phirman

[ACT 1]
Every time I step on a bus, a plane, or a train,
I find myself right next to a guy who's just shy of insane
Sometimes they don't make a peep
Sometimes they feel the need to speak
and give us all advice like, "Don't go near the creek!"

There's a guy on the other side of the street
smoking a cigarette
Even though it's sunny outside
somehow he's just a silhouette
They keep popping up like zombies
in the movie "Dawn of the Dead"
Can't tell if the guy right here
wants to eat my lunch or eat my head
So I'm saying

One
sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

One
sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I'm asking

That guy wearing eye make-up
with his hair dyed black
and the piercings in his ear
I wish that he were sitting by me
instead of this dude here
This guy in the rain coat just keeps
staring at me and calling me "Slim"
Now some clown in a Burger King crow is
hiding—that's right—hiding behind him

Then later down by the Quiznos
guy with cornrows starts to shake
He's freaking out, he's having a nightmare
while he's still awake
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see a murder
within the next three stops
I'd close my eyes, but I want to have
something to tell the cops
Something like

One
sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

One
sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I'm asking

(Sketchy Dudes Parade)

One
sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

One
sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Will they overcome? (it's happening)
Should I get a gun? (might have to)
No escaping from these sketchy dudes

[ACT 2]
So sad
You were killed while recording that song
about sketchy dudes
There was a knock at the door
You went to see who it was
And then you were killed

At first I thought it was a joke, like,
"Oh I get it—he's surrounded by sketchy dudes.
Even in his own home and now they're even in the studio. But when you didn't come to the barbecue that you said you go to if I went, too—well then I knew, then I knew that you were really killed.

But wait, how did that make it into the final recording... if you'd just been killed? How, unless the killer... mixed down the song after killing you... and then emailed it to me? Which means... he not only knew how to kill you, he also knew your email password. Oh this just keeps getting worse.

It also means he has my email address. I could be next! I better watch my back!

[ACT 3]
Good afternoon, I'm a homicide detective
Here to investigate the murders of two recording artists
Can I ask you a couple of questions?
Let's begin

Were the victims... ah huh, ah huh...
Did they ever make it seem like... ah huh, ah huh...
Did anyone ever come around acting like they might have been... ah huh, ah huh, ah huh...
So let me get this straight

First guy's singing about sketchy dudes, then he dies
Next guy sings about him and then he dies
Well, I think I know who the murderer was
It was... it was... it was... it was HIM!
(Hey, get off me! Yeah, fine I did it. I killed them both. How'd you know?)

A good cop's only as good as his informant
And I got the best kind of informant
Why not come out and take a bow, informant
Or should I say... "Sketchy Dude!"
That's right, Sketchy Dude
You never killed anyone, did you?
Even though, I kinda looked like you had
You were working for us as a very unlikely informant
You're the eyes and ears of the police department
And we need you

INDIE
by Mike Phirman

they told us not to use these words
they told us not to use these notes
they said "don't write that song"
but we did because we're Indie

their lawyers called our moms and dads
they told them they'd take all we had
so daddy said "don't do it"
but we did it cos we're Indie

these dicks at school came up to us
surrounded us behind the bus
said "make that song and you're dead"
but we made it cos we're Indie

our girlfriends told us on the phone,
"you write that and you're on your own!
just let it go!"
but we didn't cos we're Indie

so we laid down the song we had
Just me, nick, brad, and his step-dad
every station had to have it
so we had to say "NO WAY!"

So now our song's at number one
we're selling copies by the ton
they tried to sue us, but we won
the judge said "that's my JAM, son!

we've all got new girls and cars
we're VIPs at all the bars
we're only seen with other stars
and everything we want is ours

SO our next song will be...
whatever our new label says it should be based on market research within our target demographic which is white males between the ages of 14 and 21 who are into Indie